Beware The Evils Of Coffee Machines
by She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Sane
Summary: Tonks has a little run in with a muggle coffee machine... It wasn't her fault, honest! SLASH NTGW! Rated just to be safe.


Disclaimer: Yes, I am JKR is disguise, mwahahahahaha! coughsarcasmcough

Okies everyone, this is SLASH! (MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) For those who don't know what slash is, it's same sex pairings. If you don't like it, don't read this. Simple. I just laugh at flames, some people really need to grow up. And there will also be mentions of alcohol, so if you don't want to see some firewhisky, don't read.

This was written as a FFC challenge on hpana . com, so some things may seen just a little strange…

Oh, and sorry for the complete lack of humour in the 'comedy' piece… I suck at comedy but I'll write it anyway…

Oh, and sorry for the severe over use of '…' in here. and a bad Grammar: And the occasional made up word, which I had to use to make the story better….

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**Beware the Evils of Coffee Machines**

Tonks was in trouble.

Big trouble.

Big I'm-going-to-get-fired-for-this trouble.

She was used to being in trouble. She was never the type to pay attention to the rules. The number of times she had been forced to scrape what looked like radioactive waste off the desks in the potions lab was tribute to that.

Usually Tonk's affinity with trouble was what made her damn good at her job. Death Eaters didn't play by the rules.

Unfortunately, neither did coffee machines…

It's not as if she had meant to make it explode. Honest…

Well, even if she had wanted it to explode, which she didn't, she honestly had no idea that her boss was showing the bloody Minister around the office to show how useful muggle technology in the workplace was… It was all Kingsley's fault for not telling her like he told everyone else… Even if she had been skiving off work for the first half an hour. She'd needed to set up a little surprise for Remus… Even though the break-up had been mutual, she still wanted to kick his butt.

So now here she was, smelling strongly of coffee, nervously tapping the wooden arm of her chair.

It hardly helped that just last week Tonks had accidentally tripped and pushed Percy Weasley over, scattering the important documents that he'd spent two weeks organising into something readable.

Glancing in the mirror behind her boss's desk, Tonks wondered whether to go for her 'sweet, innocent please-don't-fire-me look' or the 'tough, there's-no-way-you're-gonna-get-away-with-firing-me' look… Unfortunately, just as Tonks screwed up her concentration so as to change, her boss stormed through the door, meaning that Tonks ended up looking like some gender confused Umbridge with severe spattergroit

If her boss actually had a sense of humour, he would have been wetting himself at this point.

Unfortunately, there were two types of auror, ones with a sense of humour, and Tonks…

Another unfortunate coincidence was that her boss seemed to be a Barty Crouch style fan. His tolerance seemed to match his sense of humour, non-existent…

"Nymphadora…" The boss shook his head, "Nymphadora, Nymphadora, Nymphadora…"

Tonks shifted in her seat uneasily. It felt like she was back in her third year when she had convinced Peeves to help Professor Trelawney 'fall' from the moving staircases in Order to spend her Divination lesson finishing her Potions Essay, before tripping over a conveniently placed suit of armour and falling off the bloody staircase herself, swearing she would murder Peeves if he wasn't already dead.

"Well, Nymphadora, I'm going to cut to the chase here," Tonks hid a sigh of relief, workaholics like her boss were notorious for giving morning-long lectures whilst not really explaining anything, "your performance recently… I can see you have great potential." Tonks rolled her eyes. It was time for the 'potential' speech again. "You performance in battle has been exceptional. It's just your childish attitude that's pulling you down." More shuffling of parchment. "Therefore," Tonks prepared herself; this was the part where he told her she was fired… "I think a fitting punishment," oh Merlin, he really did sound like one of the Professors, "well, not punishment, more of a…demotion of sorts."

Tonks' thoughts at that particular moment were praying that this didn't mean she'd be sorting out all the paperwork that went with being an auror for the next year… Being fired would be a relief compared to that (especially knowing that a large proportion of the unsorted documents in the auror department were hers).

"I trust you know about the problems at Hogwarts?"

"Which ones?" The only place that had more problems than Hogwarts was the Ministry. Especially now, with Dumbledore gone…

"The Defence ones."

Oh Merlin, no.

Please no.

Damn.

"""""

O-O

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It was a joke.

A complete and utter joke.

What on Earth were they thinking, sending Tonks to Hogwarts? Why her? It wasn't as if there weren't much more qualified wizards for the job. Like Remus. He was still unemployed. And he was born to be a teacher.

If he wasn't running around Grimmauld place repeatedly squawking 'pineapple' thanks to a spot of revenge, that is… At least it was a distraction from her announcement of her new job at the Order meeting last night; it was difficult to linger on Tonk's career with Remus waving his arms around like a demented windmill shouting 'PINEAPPLE!' at the top of his voice, pointing to Tonks

Come to think of it, she should really take that curse off…

Maybe later…

Right now she had a class of third years to worry about. Poor sods. First Umbridge, then Snape. Not exactly the best of luck in the Defence teacher department. They'd probably come in expecting her to feed them to a bunch of Skrewts that hadn't been fed for a week or something…

Not a bad idea actually, now you come to think of it…

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O-O

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Whoever said 'those who can't, teach' was talking a load of bull.

First day and she's already got a class of first years so terrified about the wizarding world that over half the muggle borns in the class never wanted anything to do with wizard kind again, had most of the third years scared out of their wits when her hair changed from purple to blue and succeeded in shouting a dozen different swear words during the course of the fourth year's lesson due to various clumsy accidents.

And if that wasn't bad enough, Peeves seemed overjoyed to have her back, shouting about how fun it was to fake a sighting of the ghost of Edgar Poe with Tonks in her seventh year, leading to a mixture of Ministry officials, reporters and over-enthusiastic ghost obsessives to flood the castle.

Tonks couldn't remember seeing McGonagall this angry since the time she'd jinxed Mrs. Norris to think she was a he, preventing her from transforming into her animagus form in fear of the lust driven feline until she found the counter curse two months later (Tonks still shuddered at the string of detentions she earned after that). Or that time she'd cursed Trelawney to speak in rhyme for three weeks. (Apparently Peeves also remembered this, Tonks swore if she ever heard Peeves sing 'a curse upon the strange one lies, cursing her to woeful demise! She with good intent, shall have no more merriment. So she should beware, the one with changing hair!' she would plunge her ears into a vat of sulphuric acid.)

Tonks hated Mondays.

Looking at her schedule, Tonks shuddered. Tomorrow she had second years first (Tonks really wasn't looking forward to undoing the Snape damage, Merlin knew what he'd programmed into their minds) followed by a double period with the seventh years with sixth years in the afternoon…

Tonks groaned. Ginny would be in that class. Tonks had nothing against Ginny, she really liked her in fact, she was a great friend, but that was the problem. How on Earth was she supposed to teach someone who she'd sent hours gossiping with about Remus and who'd in turn spilled off all her worries and a few secrets about Harry? And she still couldn't stop cringing over the… interesting… gift she's given Ginny on her birthday… It wasn't her fault that Molly insisted n Ginny opening all of her presents in front of her family… She still couldn't look any of the Weasleys in the eye; she should have known they'd work out _that_ particular use of a turkey baster…

By the time lunch had rolled around, Tonks was just about ready to send the whole school into detention… She just needed to think of a reason. The seventh years had spend most of the period demanding how screwed up she was, after all, they'd had a man possessed by Voldemort, a pompous fake, a werewolf (even if he was a damn cute one), a Death Eater posing as a deranged ex-auror (once they knew Tonks was an auror the panicked looks had started), a ministry fanatic who didn't let then do a thing in class and the king of gits who murdered their Headmaster.

So logically, they couldn't have a normal teacher for their last year at Hogwarts.

And now she had sixth years. Just lovely…

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O-O

0

Tonks drowned the goblet of firewhisky without a second thought. She had lasted a week; she deserved it. Sod McGonagall and her rules. She was staff! She was of age! Why the heck should she not be able to down the occasional firewhisky, or five?

Tonks was just about to open another bottle (she swore they were making those bottles smaller every day) when she heard an angry yell and a mad thumping on her door.

Tonks swore as the full bottle of firewhisky went tumbling to the floor; bloody lunatic students, she'd bet three Knuts she'd open the door to find no one there. They would have known that scaring her out of her wits would have made her jump and knock over the firewhisky bottle that she wasn't supposed to have…

Her bad mood successfully worsened, Tonks reached for her wand and swished it in order to open the door… or blast it off its hinges, causing a distraught Ginny Weasley to screech in horror.

Tonks frowned as she looked at her; her hazy mind was just coherent enough to realise that Ginny didn't normally wander around in torn robes, her hand clenched tightly around her wand with blood dripping down her cheek.

Careful to mind the shards of glass Tonks walked over to the door (swearing violently as she trod on a shard of glass) and tugged Ginny in before repairing the door.

Tonks quickly healed the cut on Ginny's cheek, gently swiping a potion across it, not trusting herself to use her wand. She didn't think anybody would be pleased if she accidentally blasted Ginny's head off. As soon as Ginny felt her skin knit together she flung herself upon Tonks, tears slipping down her cheeks.

"Wha' hap'ned?" Tonks slurred, sitting Ginny down on her bed.

Ginny just shook her head. "Not here, T-Tonks… Just… Just n-not here…"

Tonks frowned and then nodded, casting a charm on Ginny (forgetting about her tendency to overdo spells when intoxicated), then picked her up effortlessly and walked out of the room, her tipsy mind trying as best as it could to scan for threats, stop Ginny from floating to the ceiling and walk in a straight line.

Ten minutes of walking later, which involved walking into walls only twice, Tonks set Ginny down on a what appeared to be a muggle beanbag, which had been modified by whoever had made themselves comfortable in this room, which appeared to be a smaller version of the Gryffindor common room, with a few improvements (like the huge water fountain that had melted chocolate bubbling through it as soon as they entered the room).

Ginny, cast her red-rimmed eyes around the room. Tonks joined her; she hadn't been in here since her Hogwarts days and was pleased to note that by the two inches of dust no one else had either. Sirius wouldn't have liked that.

"Where… Where is this?" Ginny asked, her voice bubbly and wet from her tears. Tonks shuffled her beanbag closer to Ginny's and put her arm around Ginny's shoulders.

"This, Gin, is the Ma… Marau…" Ginny snorted slightly, causing Tonks to swear under her breath and ignore the subsequent snort from Ginny's direction. "It's the Maraudy-peoples headhalfs… quarters… They fourth year made this place!" Tonks waved her arm around over-dramatically. "It's a bloody wreck now, course." The once red wallpaper was peeling badly and the floorboards appeared to be infested with something… Tonks didn't particularly want to find out… Ginny's beanbag was shocking pink (it has undoubtedly been Wormtail's); clashing violently with her hair and the other three were of various designs, all to go with Quidditch.

"So, Gin, wha' hap'ned?" Ginny rand a finger down the faint pink line where the cut on her cheek had been barely half an hour ago. "Don' worry, Gin. 't's okay. Jus' tell me wha' hap'ned."

"Well," Ginny hiccupped. "It all happened when I charmed Jack Wilbo, that Slytherin I hate, to fly down the corridor and into Moaning Myrtle's toilet and Colin locked him in there…"

"Erm…" Tonks didn't know what to say, had Ginny just said that Hagrid used a sack of potatoes as slimy bait so she could drive down into the corner where Minerva's…? Okay, this confirmed it; Tonks was wasted…

Trying to look as if she had the foggiest idea what on Earth Ginny was on about, Tonks pulled Ginny into a hug.

"So," damn, Ginny hadn't finished… Tonks thought she had… "At lunchtime, when Jack got out, he cast the imperius curse," Tons frowned… The impervious charm… Why the heck would anyone want to be resistant to water in…? Oh, Ginny was still speaking… "On his brother, you know, that third year Ravenclaw, Frederic." Tonks nodded, though she had no idea who Fredrank was, "and… Oh Merlin, it was horrible… He… I was in the library… Merlin, he bloody well came on to me…" Tonk's mind was beginning to defog. A student had cast an unforgivable? Merlin, poor Ginny.

"What he do to you, Gin?" Tonks' voice wasn't slurring that much anymore. At Ginny's sob, Tonks paled. "He didn'? Please tell me he didn'!"

Thankfully, Ginny shook her head, tendrils of red hair getting caught in the tears. Tonks gentle pushed them aside.

"No," Ginny was whispering, Tonks could barely hear her, "he didn't… But he… he tried too… and… and I bloody well let him!"

"WHAT!" Tonks fell off her beanbag; Ginny would never do that! Not after all she had said about Harry this summer… Ginny getting around was as likely as someone coming out alive after offering Mad-Eye plastic surgery… Or Snape using Amortentia on Fred and George so he could propose to them… Or Hagrid getting a non-dangerous pet and loving it as much as Norbert or…

Damn, she was monologuing again.

"NO!" Ginny exclaimed, just as loudly as Tonks. "I-I didn't mean to… I mean, it wasn't deliberate. He has black hair and… And I thought he was Harry for a second… But it was only for a second…" Ginny looked down and was staring intently at the snitch that was darting around her beanbag

Ah, this was more like it. Tonks had become chief 'Harry problems' confident for Ginny.

"I miss him so much, but… But I don't…" Tonks looked up, surprised. "Everyone says that not seeing each other's supposed to make you love each other more, or something like that… I know there's a muggle phrase for it." Ginny had scooted over to Tonks (who hadn't realised she was still sitting on the floor), seeking comfort. Tonks wrapped her arms around her.

"I dunno what to think," Ginny had stopped crying now; her voice was soft and thoughtful. "Does this mean I don't fancy him anymore?" She didn't wait for an answer. "I haven't even got one letter from him, we've barely talked since Dumbledore's funeral! It's just like it used to be, Harry Potter, the amazing Boy-Who-Lived and his best friend's little sister! Except when I think about him I don't feel it. The butterflies in my stomach… I hate it! I've had that bloody feeling for just over six bloody years! Where the hell has it gone?"

"I don' know, Gin, I just don'!" All that Tonk's murky mind could think to do was hug Ginny, giving her the security that someone cared. It was a well-rehearsed routine; Ginny would upload all her troubles on Tonks and Tonks would just listen, leaving Ginny to figure out the answer herself.

"I know what to do!" Tonks jumped, they'd been there for at least half an hour, just sitting there, doing nothing. Tonks had thought Ginny was asleep; Tonks was certainly dropping off, her head resting against an irate Quidditch star, which was now locked in St. Mungos, Arie Somebodyorother…

"Except…Well, I'll need your help, Tonks…" Ginny bit her lip, "I mean, it's probably really stupid, my worst idea yet. You'll refuse and say no, I bet you will, 'cause it's such a stupid-"

"What's the idea, Gin?" Tonks replied, rolling her eyes. Ginny knew Tonks would so anything to help, bar eating a manure flavoured Bertie Bott's bean (not that she knew how exactly eating one of those would help any situation).

"Well," Ginny took a deep breath. "MaybeyoucouldmorphintoHarryandkissmesoIcouldseeifIstillfancyhim."

"Erm…" Tonks wasn't sure that she'd have understood that sentence even if she weren't still tipsy. "Sorry?"

"I was wondering if you could kind of transform into Harry and-"

"Okay."

Later, Tonks would be sure that it was the alcohol talking. Once the school had found out about her abilities she's been asked out about once a week, only to find that they wanted a date with some famous witch instead, not her. It had put her off relationships for life, until she was out of Hogwarts and even then some men would try to take advantage of her powers. Why she said yes to Ginny, Tonks had no idea. Maybe it was because she had good intentions, maybe it was because she had known Ginny for ages, maybe it was simply because she was a she. But for whatever reason, Tonks screwed up her face and opened her new emerald green eyes, meeting Ginny's chocolate ones and gasping…

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O-O

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Tonks groaned and opened her eyes, nearly screaming with terror when she saw Ginny sprawled on top of her, her hand in a not altogether comfortable place. Carefully Tonks morphed back to normal, wincing at the humungous pain in her head at doing so, and tried to gently push Ginny off her body, cursing when she found that she didn't have the energy to even raise her an inch from her body.

However, the disturbance did wake Ginny, who opened her eyes and smiled dazedly become closing them, waiting thirty seconds, screaming "BLOODY HELL!" at the top of her voice and pushing herself off a very much relieved Tonks and falling backwards over the beanbag she has sat on last night, yelping as she toppled to the ground.

Tonks pulled herself up; she'd better check if Ginny was okay, the fall had sounded quite bad. Not concussion worthy, but still enough to give a hell of a bruise.

Tonks wasn't sure how it happened, but one moment she was leaning over Ginny, concern filling her and the next she was locked in a tight embrace, a slightly disturbing feeling filling her.

"I'm…" Tonks swallowed and started again, "I'm sorry for last night… I don't know, well, I was, and, it just…" Tonks trailed off, her face matching Ginny's hair.

"Tonks," Ginny's face was moulded into a frown, "don't be sorry for last night, it was," Ginny's frown deepened, searching for the right word, "wonderful. Amazing."

"But I was-"

"But I knew you were Tonks underneath."

Well, this was just fantastic. She bloody well fancied Harry Potter's girlfriend and had spent most of the previous night snogging her. And Harry Potter's girlfriend fancied him too. Normally Tonks would have been ecstatic, but for Merlin's sake, Ginny was a student! Yes, she would get a stern talking to for having a bottle of firewhisky, but making out with-

Tonks' thought were torn away when she again found herself kissing Ginny, this time the mop of black hair a shocking pink. Tonks swore that however cliché it was, she could see fireworks that outshone Weasley's Wizard Wheezes best. She didn't know how she felt this good! It was amazing; her whole body was on fire with passion. Where had all these feelings come from? Was Ginny feeling this way too? Tonks swore that nothing could ever spoil this moment.

"PINEAPPLE!"

Except that.

"Pineap-" Tonks and Ginny gasped, Lupin was standing by the door, tears in his eyes, McGonagall standing behind him. "PINEAPPLE!"

Tonks was in trouble.

Big trouble.

Big I'm-going-to-get-fired-for-this trouble.

And it was all that damned coffee machine's fault.

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Don't forget to reveiw to tell me just how terrible this is!


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